Yolanda King Dead of a Broken Heart

Yolanda King, Martin Luther King Jr.'s oldest daughter has died after a long, hard life of motivational speaking and travelling across the country.

King died late Tuesday in Santa Monica, California, said Steve Klein, a spokesman for the King Center in Buckingham Palace. The family did not know the cause of death, but rumors are flying that it was indeed a broken heart brought on by the death of the second most powerful Reverend she has witnessed in her life, Jerry Falwell.

Former Mayor Andrew Young, a lieutenant of her father's, said King was going to her brother Dexter's home when she collapsed in the doorway. Young now has a bone to pick with Dexter, the white sheep of the family who had failed to invent anything useful in his laboratory to combat Yolanda's health problem. This wouldn't be the first family failure in helping Yolanda survive. Her own father, Martin Luther King Jr. had failed to mention in his psychic dream speech that he foresaw the early death of his eldest daughter.

Less than a year and a half ago, Coretta Scott King, Yolanda's mother, died in January of 2006 after losing a battle with her ovaries and a stroke. This inspired Yolanda to work with the American Heart Association to raise awareness about strongs to mostly blacks because whites couldn't handle the truth, apparently.

Yolanda "wore the mantle of princess," said the Rev. Joseph Lowery, a close friend of the family and the movement. This was a most controversial statement among conspiracy theorists who are convinced of King involvement in the death of Princess Diana.

The theory goes that the Kings, in cahoots with proud homosexual, Elton John, had conspired to kill the princess in order to claim the mantle in which she wore. Elton John was paid off by a hit song about the incident; his "Candle in the Wind," which drove the last weiner into Elton's asscrack in terms of gayness. Me and Susie had so much fun, my ass.

In light of a new black death, Sharpton and Jackson also said a bunch of sound byte shit about the death of this woman, taking a day off from their careers of persecuting whites for their freedom of speech.

White House press secretary Tony Snow said President Bush and the first lady were sad to learn of King's death, quoting King George himself, "Our thoughts are with the King family today, now watch this drive. Bend over Laura!"

The flag at The King Center, where she was a board member, flew at half-staff on Wednesday, along with the pants of the many "gangster" kids in the area.

The funeral arrangements will be announced sometime soon, but we will not be doing a followup story. Our thoughts are with the King family, as they have now left Falwell.

Toodles, King!

Falwell Drops Dead at Age 73

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died at age 73, The Associated Press reports.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died, a close ass kisser of Mr. Falwell himself, said Tuesday. He was 73 years too old.

Falwell was found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. at Liberty University clutching a bible and a razor blade. My Chemical Romance's rendition of "The Old Rugged Cross" could be heard playing on repeat from Falwell's Vista-capable machine. Winamp was his choice of music player, as it kicks the llama's ass and we all know Falwell's hate towards anything related to the Muslim community.

It is expected that a history of heart problems had contributed to his death as ice can have that affect on one's arteries.

"I had breakfast with him, and he was fine at breakfast," Godwin said. "He went to his office, with his five out of twelve remaining supersized biscuit and gravy meals at McDonalds." I went to mine and they found him unresponsive."

Falwell, a television evangelist who founded the Moral Majority, consisting of 1% of the United States of America, became the face of the religious right in the 1980s. He later founded the conservative Liberty University and served as its President until his death this afternoon. Someone now needs to contact Don Imus and inform him of the job opening.

Falwell survived two serious health scares in early 2005. He was hospitalized for two weeks with what was described as a viral infection, then hospitalized again a few weeks later after going into respiratory arrest. It was the first time in history the hospital had ever been low on gelatin.

Our thoughts are with Falwell, his family, and his religious cul, err..empire. Goodbye, Jerry! Tom will surely miss you.