Falwell Drops Dead at Age 73

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died at age 73, The Associated Press reports.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell has died, a close ass kisser of Mr. Falwell himself, said Tuesday. He was 73 years too old.

Falwell was found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. at Liberty University clutching a bible and a razor blade. My Chemical Romance's rendition of "The Old Rugged Cross" could be heard playing on repeat from Falwell's Vista-capable machine. Winamp was his choice of music player, as it kicks the llama's ass and we all know Falwell's hate towards anything related to the Muslim community.

It is expected that a history of heart problems had contributed to his death as ice can have that affect on one's arteries.

"I had breakfast with him, and he was fine at breakfast," Godwin said. "He went to his office, with his five out of twelve remaining supersized biscuit and gravy meals at McDonalds." I went to mine and they found him unresponsive."

Falwell, a television evangelist who founded the Moral Majority, consisting of 1% of the United States of America, became the face of the religious right in the 1980s. He later founded the conservative Liberty University and served as its President until his death this afternoon. Someone now needs to contact Don Imus and inform him of the job opening.

Falwell survived two serious health scares in early 2005. He was hospitalized for two weeks with what was described as a viral infection, then hospitalized again a few weeks later after going into respiratory arrest. It was the first time in history the hospital had ever been low on gelatin.

Our thoughts are with Falwell, his family, and his religious cul, err..empire. Goodbye, Jerry! Tom will surely miss you.